I resolve to eat more popcorn

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Don’t get me wrong— I love making resolutions; I just don’t believe in saving them for January. I make and break mine year-around whenever I’m inspired. If I want to lose 5 pounds in June, I make a resolution to do it, and I do it. This year however, after a season of unprecedented holiday binging, I decided to put pen to paper, and outline all my big goals for the year. Here’s a recap of my progress.

January 1, 2011
I resolve to take better care of myself, with consistency.

1. I will stick to my uber-healthy diet.
FAILED on January 18.
I ate a hot dog and chicken wings over a glass of wine with my coworkers in Napa. Ever the lightweight, I walked around the strip mall for two hours, trying to sober up so I could drive down the street to my hotel. I giggled alone through the aisles at Target and bought pink fairy stickers. I do not recommend trying on swimsuits when you’re drunk and bloated. The diet’s been all downhill since then.

2. I will get eight hours of sleep every night.
FAILED on January 5.
Not easy to do when you’re a night owl who catches the 6:40am train.

3. I will exercise for at least 60 minutes five days a week.
FAILED on January 2.
Hahahahahahahaha.

4. I will tidy up the house weekly and deep clean it every other week.
FAILED all month.
Please come over to hang out! I can’t motivate myself to vacuum without the threat of guests seeing my slovenliness.

5. I will blog at least once a week.
FAILED all month.
On the bright side, 2/4 is a solid F.

Ryan asked me, “Do you think maybe your expectations are too high? With your crazy work schedule and how much you commute, it doesn’t seem like there are enough hours in your day to do everything. You’re going to have to make trade-offs.”

I replied, “But isn’t that the point of New Year’s resolutions: to foster disappointment and self loathing?”


January 19, 2011
Revised Resolution: Lead a healthy life, with balance.

I will follow the rule of 30 minutes. I don’t have to spend two hours getting dressed, driving to the studio and taking a dance class. Instead I can work out at home for 30 minutes. Likewise, I don’t have to clean the whole house on Sunday. I can just do 30 minutes of something around the house every night.

I will stick to my healthy diet during the week, and splurge a little on the weekend.

FAILED both on January 20.

Last night I ate a bag of potato chips for dinner. Never mind that they were low-fat, all-natural, and only 3 servings per bag. The sad fact is that I ate a bag of potato chips. For dinner.


February 2, 2011
Re-Revised Resolution: Stop hating myself for failing all my New Year’s resolutions.

I’m taking a new approach, with a touch of reverse psychology. I’m setting resolutions with the most realistic chances of follow through. If I succeed, congratulations to me for finally sticking with my goals! If I fail, thank goodness I’m a failure!

I resolve to:
Keep the excess 5 pounds.
Spend more quality time with the television.
Disorganize my closet.
Break more electronic gadgets.
Eat more popcorn.

Wish me luck! If this week is any indication, these are going to be my most successful resolutions ever.